The Original

          Smoke, flames and noise woke me at 3:00 A.M. Looking out the window I saw that the old coat factory down Van Allen Street was on fire. The flames were very high. The heat was intense. I knew the situation was serious when fire fighters began to evacuate our block. Their talk about the factory’s big fuel tank scared us all. My family and neighbors had to go to the Osborne School for shelter. We waited nervously all night. We were happy in the morning when we learned the fire was finally under control.

Keir Marticke's Revision

          I awoke to the early morning wail of sirens as fire engines screamed down the chaotic street. Peering out my window, I discovered a thick screen of dry smoke, as though someone had rung a gray wool blanket over my window. My eyes searched through the cloud, and I discerned the Van Allen Coat Factory, enveloped in a raging blaze. The flames extended their contorted tongues, hungrily licking the skyline. Searing heat spread through the area like warm butter over bread.

          "It’s out of control!" I heard a fireman scream in despair. "Everybody out!"

          I trembled at his helpless words. My family and neighbors were hustled to the Osborne School for shelter. We waited nervously all night. Finally, as the early morning sun broke the horizon, we received word that the fire was under control.